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I fucking need someone to talk about fucking random things.

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mungkin ternyata, untuk

menerima seseorang apa adanya

tidak semudah yang saya kita kira.

though you could keep repeating,

hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

but that doesn’t mean you could not get

disappointed.

I remember, some years ago, I was in my first serious relationship with someone. I was younger, -obviously-, back then. But one thing I just realized is that how naive I was in those times. I was oh so young and so foolish. I made many, many mistakes that somehow I felt like those years were the shittest part of my life.

There was one moment where I quite recall the moment when I was being so naive. This person I was having relationship with, he was not the best person with the best personality, no. He was full of bullshits and whatsoever. And yet, I loved him on that time. You know, when you love someone you tend to look at his/her on you best point of view. He/she always does the right thing, he/she does it because he/she loves you, blah blah blah. When you love someone you pretend that even if he/she does a very wrong thing, he/she must has good reason why he/she did it. Love makes you a fool. I was being made a fool because I was young and naive and I was in love.

That time, I got blackmailed by someone, that person was a girl. She sent me those prank text messages. She swore at me. She used those unkind language which I was not so getting used to hear, back then. She called me a slut and that I stole her boyfriend. What the fuck? Well, I was still this teenager back then so I cried, reading those messages I cried. I was so into the feeling “what did I do wrong?”, though now I know, not everything happens because we’re doing the wrong thing. Shit happens cos it fucking happens. Do not feel guilty if you know you don’t make a mistake. It’s simple, yet it’s hard for some people.

So after all those insignificant tears, I called my-so-called boyfriend. I wanted to tell him about this blackmailed thing. I wanted him to support me, like, “it’s okay dear I know you did not do it”, or.. you know.. those words. But instead, after I told him that she said about me stole her boyfriend, he said, “well, did you do it?“. You know, I was so fucking-broken-heart ed when I heard that. I was so damn naive I did not think that, well, the question was actually obvious to be asked. So someone said your boyfriend/girlfriend stole their girlfriend/boyfriend, the first thing you should make sure -of course- is the truth. Back then I thought when you love someone you are not supposed to ask about the ugly truth. Back then I thought love made everything right. Well then I was wrong.

I remember that naive me and I looked at myself today. Years after that moment, and I feel grateful that I am not that quite a fool anymore. I feel grateful I make friends to ones who have good minds and good hearts that I could, -say-, improve my way of thinking in life. Well, still, for a seventeen-year-old girl-not-yet-a-woman like me, this change could be something more. I hope I am on the right track. I know that I am on the right track, of my life.

P.S: About the one who sent me the prank messages, I met her like many months after that thing happened. Didn’t even know her, said she didn’t know me either (what the heck?). She said sorry, though. I didn’t give a shit about it.

sorry,
I just wanted to share it with you.
for a second I thought I was doing the right thing,
but then maybe I was not.
but then I probably made a mistake.
but then maybe you’ll think low of me.
but then maybe you felt that uncomfortable feeling against me (again).
and then it was my fault all over again.
is it the honesty that came late? though, really, it was an honesty after all?
I thought somehow you could appreciated it.
but then I probably made a mistake.
and I know these words just won’t do for you at times like these,
but still,
I love you.
I’m sorry.

sensitivity
just won’t do.

miss them

di antara semua yang saya rindukan saat ini,
hanya kamu

yang saya inginkan untuk berada di sini, saat ini.

Hari ini kebetulan jadwal kuliah saya hanya sampai setengah sepuluh. Keluar kampus jam setengah dua belas, jarang-jarang bisa sampai rumah dalam waktu setengah jam lebih sedikit. Seperti biasa, langsung duduk di depan komputer. Menghabiskan waktu berbincang di dunia maya dan kemudian menyelesaikan tugas. Selesai mengerjakan tugas, jam baru menunjukkan waktu pukul dua siang. Sementara saya sudah agak bingung dengan apa yang harus dilakukan, pacar saya di Jatinangor juga katanya baru selesai jam tiga dan pulsanya habis pula. Bingung lah saya akan apa yang harus saya lakukan. Akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk tidur-tiduran sembari menunggu jam tiga (mungkin ketika itu saya bisa menelepon pacar saya).

Saya tidak benar-benar berniat untuk tidur siang, karena saya masih percaya bahwa tidur siang akan membawa mimpi buruk. Apalagi keadaan pikiran saya sedang tidak dalam kondisi rileks belakangan ini, sangat amat tidak mendukung. Maka saya matikan lampu kamar saya (dengan komputer masih menyala), dan berbaring sembari terpejam. Dalam terpejam itu pikiran saya masih berputar-putar. Entahlah, saya terbiasa memikirkan segala hal, sehingga kadang hal tersebut bisa jadi sangat mengganggu. Seringkali saya merasa mual dan pusing akan pikiran-pikiran mengganggu tersebut. Di tengah badai pikiran dalam terpejam itu tiba-tiba saya merasa pusing yang teramat sangat. Badan saya berguncang sendiri. Bahkan ketika saya akhirnya membuka mata, saya dapat merasakan tempat tidur saya dan beberapa barang yang menggantung di kamar saya bergoyang cukup hebat. Terdiam, saya masih berpikir apa saya mengalami brain malfunction sehingga badan saya bisa terasa seberguncang ini? Masih dalam keadaan bingung akhirnya saya keluar kamar, tanah masih bergoyang, namun pengurus rumah tangga saya tampak biasa saja. Baru beberapa saat kemudian guncangan itu berhenti dan saya mendengar ucapan tetangga-tetangga saya yang kini berada di luar rumah mereka. Gempa, kata mereka.

Gempa! Baru kemudian panik datang menghampiri, sementara gempa itu sendiri telah lewat. Cepat-cepat saya nyalakan TV dan ternyata benar, gempa sebesar 7,3 skala richter baru saja mengguncang Jakarta.. Pulau Jawa, tepatnya. Pusat gempa dikatakan berada di Laut Selatan, entah sedalam 30 km atau sejauh 30 km dari Tasikmalaya. Bulu kuduk saya berdiri karenanya. Belum lagi kata-kata berpotensi tsunami, yang sangat merisaukan. Otomatis tangan saya memijit speed dial untuk menghubungi ibu saya yang kantornya tidak berada di lantai dasar gedung dan yang berarti cukup mengkhawatirkan. Ibu saya baik-baik saja, alhamdulillah. Kemudian saya berusaha menghubungi pacar saya di Jatinangor (yang notabene-nya lebih dekat ke selatan Pulau Jawa) dengan rasa cukup khawatir. Saya cukup yakin ia baik-baik saja, namun tetap saya harus memastikan. Sementara itu jaringan telepon terputus. Berkali-kali saya coba, namun tidak juga berhasil. Hingga akhirnya saya menghubungi teman saya di Depok, Ramna, yang pacarnya juga berada di Jatinangor. Untungnya ia sebelumnya sudah berhasil menelpon pacarnya dan memberi tahu bahwa mereka yang di Jatinangor baik-baik saja. Saya merasa sedikit lega. Namun lega itu benar-benar datang ketika akhirnya saya berhasil mendengar suara pacar saya. Walaupun tampaknya ia tidak terlalu memikirkan bagaimana saya di sini -__- haha ah tapi ya sudahlah. Alhamdulillah semua baik-baik saja. Tapi saya juga turut berduka cita atas korban-korban meninggal karena gempa hari ini.. Innalillahi wa innailaihi rajiun..

Beberapa saat setelahnya terdengar adzan Ashar dari masjid kompleks saya. Dan tanpa berpikir dua kali saya mengambil air wudhu dan sembahyang.

Tuhan, semoga sentilanmu kali ini membuat kami tersadar..

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